previous entry   /  newest   /  archive   /  next entry

An Assessment of my Current State -- 09.06.10
Iím pretty damn tired of being poor. And not just poor, but severely in debt. Every time I start to make some headway another crisis comes up where I have use the last of my credit to pay off some damn unforeseen event. This past month it was my tooth, $3,000 down the tubes for a root canal and crown. This on top of the debt I already had. Iím surprised Iíve been able to stay afloat for this long considering the mountain of debt that Iíve accumulated over the last couple of years. Whatís worse is that my savior in all of this was supposed to be that damn house my Father left me when he passed away. That house was supposed to payoff my debts and pay for school. Well the debts only got a small dent into them, and school was financed by student loans that Iíll soon have to start making payments on. The only positive is that Iíll have a tax write-off for the next decade because of how much I lost on that fucking house.

In the meantime school went South. I hated school and the pointless assignments that didnít actually teach me anything. But enough about that. Itís over and done with and despite people asking me if Iím going back, and me telling them Iím considering it, Iím not. Iím not considering it in the least. Iíve done enough schooling in my life. I have a damn English degree that hangs on my wall as a monument to doing something that in the end was nearly completely useless. It was fun, Iíll grant you that. It was a lot of work, but I really didnít buckle down until the last couple of years. By then it was too late to mean anything, because the person that it meant the most to was already gone. My Grandmother told my aunt, who later told me, that she wanted to live long enough to see me graduate. She didnít. I failed her. So while the degree was a personal accomplishment, it also ended up being an empty one. And certainly my life since getting my degree has only pointed out how pointless it was. Because here I sit, writing this, still stuck in a pair of low level jobs I can do in my sleep, wishing to one day get a good idea for a story and run with it. Every story idea I get is the same thing. Or the same thing someone else already did, only better. I tell you, my life is completely frustrating.

About the only thing that I think I have any future in is photography. A couple of months back I felt I was in a creative slump because I wasnít taking very many photographs. I feared I was entering a period of time when I wouldnít find very many subjects to photograph. But in the last month Iíve churned out a good deal of photographs that I like enough to post on the site. Iíve gotten my old mojo back. But again, itís a dead end. I need to get my work out there, and make it work for me. I keep saying Iíve got to go visit galleries and get ask about getting my work showcased, but I havenít done it. But at least Iím doing some work in this area. At least Iím churning out something. I have to make up my mind to finally get things done and focus on my art. Itís the only thing that I have that I do well. Itís the only consistent thing in my life the last decade. I think itís the only tool I have to escape this cycle of spiraling debt.

My home life sucks as well. Lately every time I get home my aunt bitches at me about something or other. I canít blame her, the house is nearly falling apart and either of us have the cash to fix the multiple problems that are arising. We have enough to plug the hole in the dam, but one day itís going to burst. Weíre simply buying time, but really itís borrowed time. So yeah, she is tense and she takes it out on me. Lately Iíve felt like not going home right away because I know that the moment I get home Iím going to get an earful of ďwhy donít you doĒ such and such, and this and that is broken. I would like to fix some of these things, but I donít have the skills nor the money. Back to the subject... there are times when I donít rush home because my aunt has turned into someone I donít want to interact with all the time. And itís sad, because weíre both stuck with each other because of circumstances beyond our control. First my Mother passes away, and then my Grandmother. Both were the ones in charge. Now we have to be, and itís just not the same. I really just wish I could wipe out all my debt and find a way to cultivate my art into something that would make me money. Itís up to me though.

End Communication.

previous entry   /  newest   /  archive   /  next entry

american ecstasy   /  diaryland