previous entry   /  newest   /  archive   /  next entry

What is going on here? -- 11.14.10
 
Last week my Sirius radio died. I called up the company and they were nice enough to send me a replacement. I turned it on, it worked. A few hours later I checked and it wasnít working. I didnít want to call the company just in case it was my fault. Well, tonight after work I fiddled around with the radio and found that whenever I plugged the antenna the stupid thing didnít work. The damn thing wonít work without the antenna connected since itís trying to pick-up a signal from a satellite. Iím pretty tired dealing with this thing only to have a new radio have the same exact issues that my previous radio did. Suffice to say Iím ready to chuck this Sirius radio for good. The only reason why I have it is to listen to Stern. With speculation abound that heís not coming back to Sirius Iím sure that I wonít be using the radio after heís off their ďairwaves.Ē If he retires, or goes to a new place thatís where Iíll follow. If itís Sirius Iíll stay, but I donít want to deal with their radios anymore. Iíll listen online, or something. Iíll figure it out. For now Iím going to try and work this thing a little bit more. But come Monday Iím pretty sure my relationship with Sirius will be over for good.

Speaking of relationships... the cat is slightly out of the bag at work. The girlfriend and I have been keeping our relationship a secret from our co-workers for reasons Iím not ready to state here. Suffice to say itís not really anyoneís business, but learning that someone at work found us out because I wrote about it here did shock me when I first discovered that our little secret wasnít so secret any more. This isnít to say that everyone at work knows. Iím pretty sure most people know simply because Megan and I are always hanging out together, and weíre always flirty. I never expected to be in the situation Iím in right now. I hate it when someone says ďit just happened.Ē But thatís exactly how it went down. I didnít plan on this, it did ďjust happen.Ē I know how that sounds, but itís the truth.

I have this feeling that everything in my life is falling apart. Tonight while trying to get that stupid radio to work I remembered ďFight ClubĒ and how Tyler teaches Jack that losing everything is freedom. I feel that with the debts, all my things falling apart at the same time, my photography going nowhere, my career stuck in the mud, and me not having a viable strategy to fix these things... I feel that there is a great change coming around the corner. Iím not entirely sure that itís a positive change. In fact, knowing how things work out in life Iím more inclined to think itís a negative thing around the corner. Yet another punch in the face... another kick in the teeth. Iíve come to expect it simply because thatís what ALWAYS comes along when Iím barely hanging on by a thread. There are only so many punches, only so many kicks, that Iíll be able to take before I fall down for good. I wish I knew how to get out of my life rut. I need to escape a job that makes me feel belittled. I need to escape a job that bores me, never challenges me. I need to escape. Without a viable alternative Iím stuck. That fucking library school bullshit was probably the dumbest thing I could have gotten myself into. I hated EVERY single moment I was there. I donít have many true regrets in life, but the decision to get my Masters in library science has now replaced every other regret Iíve ever had. THAT move taught me a lesson, and I guess thatís a good thing. It taught me not to push. Iím not going to push unless itís something I really want. But even then, wanting only makes it worse when I fail. So yeah, no more pushing.

Iím mentally tired of all the bullshit that the Universe is piling on top of me right now. Makes me wonder why I sit here and take it. Oh yeah, because every time I try and escape I find that there is no escape.

End Communication.

previous entry   /  newest   /  archive   /  next entry

american ecstasy   /  diaryland