previous entry   /  newest   /  archive   /  next entry

In Limbo -- 06.02.11
Itís not knowing that hurts. The Girl is on a camping trip with her daughter and her ďexĒ tonight. The invitation was made as a joke, but she subsequently invited him because she needed to know once and for all whether they could make their relationship work. This, despite a history of over 25 years together in which their relationship HASNíT worked. It has only survived because neither of them has had the ability to notice the infliction of pain upon one another wonít stop. Itís like theyíve entered into a contract of madness, where both of them are miserable by association, yet they stay because they signed a contract.

So tonight they will talk, and tomorrow The Girl comes back home to pick me up from work. Iím sure she wonít want to tell me her decision until she comes and picks me up, because she knows that if she tells me she is going to try and reconcile with him I wonít be there. Iíve told her I wonít ever talk to her again. She hoped that we could remain friends. But thatís no going to work for many reasons. The ďexĒ would never trust her around me because of our relationship. And I canít blame him. I wouldnít be able to simply return to being friends after I have fallen in love with her. What am I supposed to do? Pretend we werenít in love? Pretend we werenít lovers? Nope, I canít pretend.

Right now, as I write this, itís possible that they have talked and our fates have been sealed. She is the hinge upon which the hands of fate will turn. If she chooses him, Iím out of the picture and our nearly one year relationship ends in a holocaust of animosity on my part, and pain on hers. If she chooses me, then a family lies in shambles.

What hurts the most is her willingness to even consider reconciliation. Because she has plainly stated that she is not in love with him. That she canít stand to be in his presence. And that she has never felt a love like the one she feels for me. All of those statements would make any sane person question why she would even, for a second, consider returning to her former relationship. But for whatever reason she is considering it. Considering it in light of the fact that she will lose what we have. That she will lose her new found freedom. That she will be miserable for the rest of her days. Doesnít make sense, does it?

Tomorrow I will know the answer. At first I thought there was no question she would stay with me, completely rejecting the idea of reconciliation. But since she first mentioned it last week my confidence has wained because of her actions. Some of my friends have given me the advice that I should be the one to walk away, not even allowing her the option of choosing my fate. But I have to be fair to her and allow her to make the choice, rather than to thrust the choice of going back to a miserable relationship because Iíve left her. I love her enough to let her choose. It might be foolhardy, but itís what I have to do.

I fear that the outcome will not be in my favor. Iíll know tomorrow.

End Communication.

previous entry   /  newest   /  archive   /  next entry

american ecstasy   /  diaryland