|SO much has been going on since the last time I wrote here. Crazy enough my life has been like a boat in a storm: teetering and heading towards the rocks. But the tempest has calmed. Wait, has it?
This past week Iíve had Matthew Arnoldís "Dover Beach" on my mind. A LOT. Especially the stanza that for me resonates more than any other words written in the English language.
Ah, love, let us be true
To one another! for the world, which seems
To lie before us like a land of dreams,
So various, so beautiful, so new,
Hath really neither joy, nor love, nor light,
Nor certitude, nor peace, nor help for pain;
Since I last wrote so much has happened. TheGirl and I broke up, only to now be in a friends with benefits situation. Also, Iím still in love with her. Despite her treating me kinda shabbily by first tossing me away, only to a day later propose this new situation. But I, being weak, agreed to it. And strangely enough our intimate moments have become supercharged. Where once we were really awesome, weíre not like ten times better. And yet weíre not in a committed relationship, and that is something that is missing from what we now call our friendship. Itís another name for a relationship with an open ended clause that allows TheGirl to do what she wants without any guilt.
However, aside from this clause we have actually not skipped a beat when it comes to our ďrelationship.Ē Everything is the same, except the sex has gotten more passionate, and I donít see her every other weekend when she hangs out where her ďfriendĒ from up North. Yes, a man friend. Which she claims is just a friend right now. But she does reserve the right to change her mind on that and pursue something. I suspect she is already pursuing something... or was at least. But since our break-up we have inexplicably become closer. Itís no trick on my side of this equation... Iím in love with her. As for her side, I can only speculate that she feels the need not to have the ďspecterĒ of being tied down. She wants everything that a relationship brings, the intimacy, the love, but without that idea that sheís trapped. Itís strange that this seems to be working for now. I add for now because next weekend sheís going to be with this Butch character. Iím sleeping over tomorrow night. The first sleepover weíve had in over two months. She misses laying in my arms. Ah.. I miss being able to call you my girlfriend. This matter is all about her. Iíve told her as much. Our relationship hinges upon her needs and wants. Because all I want is to grow old with her. Simple, and to the point. Nothing complicated with wanting to spend the rest of your life with someone. Am I right? Oh well.* * * * * *
In other news, last weekendís art show was a pretty neat experience. Despite the fact that TheGirl said she would love to be there but wasnít because her ďfriendĒ was in town. Whatever! I took my buddy Jon with me, and it was probably better since I got to mingle and flirt with the ladies there. Nothing serious, but certainly a part of me wanted to find someone to bed, or at least get to know a little better. If only to at least put some distance between me and my feelings towards TheGirl. Itís probably the wrong method to go about this endeavor. Nevertheless, I felt the need to not think about her that night. I did think of her though. Thankfully not as often. I didnít sell any of my photos, which doesnít make me have too much confidence that anyone will EVER buy my work. At least not until after Iím dead. Just great!* * * * * *
Tomorrow is payday. Saturday TheGirl and I and her daughter are gonna get acquainted with her new work neighborhood. And then go hang out at the beach, or 3rd street, or something. TheGirl and I had a trip planned for Big Sur at the end of the month, which she now says she canít go on because of her money situation. I am bouncing back and forth between going there on my own without here, and not telling her. Or going off to another place, since she has told me that she does want to go, but that we would have to wait until she is actually working. It makes sense, seeing as she didnít get her first two weeks of unemployment for some sideways reason. I plan on canceling the booking for Big Sur next week. But part of me still wants to go. Hey, I was paying for it, I can go if I want to. But then part of me thinks I should go to Vegas and experience that city. Because the time I went up with TheGirl I hardly got to see any of the strip. I wanted to check out all the new casinos. But, since sheís practically a ďnativeĒ since her dad lived up there, and she visited him frequently, I didnít get but a few hours on the strip. She already has plans with her daughter that weekend, so me going isnít going to conflict with anything on her agenda. Also, I need to get away. It would have been our 2 year anniversary July 31st. As it is Iíll probably see her that day, but reliving our first ďdateĒ isnít going to be on the agenda I suspect. It should be, since she has basically pushed the reset button on our relationship, moving it to when we first started seeing each other. Perhaps itís her way of falling in love with me all over again. Perhaps not. I donít know anymore.
All I know is that Iím trying to move on emotionally. Itís hard because I do love her with all my heart. This is the strongest Iíve ever felt towards someone. Crazy as it might seem.