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Thoughts on Big Sur and other things -- 08.09.12
 
Big Sur has come into my life at the exact moment that I needed it to fulfill me in a way that nothing else has or perhaps will. The last three plus months have been an emotional torture. Big Sur washed those feelings away, for the time I spent there at least. When I think of it now I am still moved to tears. My desire to go up there again soon comes from wanting to be amongst that beauty again, and away from the drama here.

To be sure, itís a soap opera that I have willingly stayed a part of because of my weakness and desire to at least be in a pseudo relationship than adrift alone among the masses. I keep saying the time has come to walk away from this whole thing, but I stay. I should know better, and I do. But I guess thereís a tiny part of me that thinks this can be put aside and we could continue as we were before. However, a huge part of me knows that the time for wishful thinking has passed. The beauty of Big Sur was something I wanted to share with TheGirl. Much like I wanted to share the rest of my life with her. Yet I made the trip alone, and found extraordinary beauty that filled my heart with joy. I will find that in my life even without TheGirl. She will remain unfulfilled, and Iíll just keep being happy. It hurts to know that she will not find the happiness she seeks. It was never my job to find happiness for her. It was my job to simply love her. It was too much for her to deal with, I suppose.

Big Sur is now in my heart. The first chance I get to return I will.

Tomorrow is TheGirlís daughterís boyfriendís graduation from bootcamp. I was invited shortly after she went in three months ago. Things were so different then. Tomorrow TheChisel will be there, but not in my place. He has been placed there by the actions of TheGirl. And while I have a deep enmity for him it is really displaced anger with TheGirl for all that she has put me through. My feelings towards her remain those of affection. My brain has tricked me into this by placing my hatred on a man who actually has done nothing wrong. TheGirl let him assume it was OK to pursue a relationship with her. So is it any wonder that he wants to pursue a relationship with her? TheGirl let him think that it was OK to go to this graduation in lieu of me going. TheGirl has brought him into my life by going away with him every other weekend when we were still together officially.

This whole thing hurts. Because the daughterís boyfriend talked to me on the phone for a few moments today. He was just about to ask if I was going to come down tomorrow, but I cut him off. I wanted to be there, but everyone who wasnít invited gets to be there instead of me. So fair, huh? TheChisel might be a good guy, for all I know. I still donít like him. I should turn that hate towards TheGirl though, and finally walk away from all this fucking bullshit. Iím working on it.

ďWe all agree it's too big to keep up with, that we're surrounded by life, that we'll never understand it, so we center it all in by swigging Scotch from the bottle and when it's empty I run out of the car and buy another one, period.Ē
― Jack Kerouac, Big Sur

End Communication.

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