|Itís been quite a while since Iíve journaled. I keep a running tab on my homepage, but those of you who read this will know where to see that. Since I last wrote things havenít changed much between TheGirl and I. Although, about a week and a half ago she says that she wants to go to Big Sur with me. Seeing as Iíve been talking about it with such passion. So I booked a room in Monterey for the last weekend in September. Woo! Why woo? Because, I get to go back to Big Sur. And this time I get to share it with TheGirl. Mind you, Iím not expecting this trip to spark something inside her to love me again. I donít even want that. This ďsituationĒ how it is right now actually feels pretty good. I get to enjoy the perks of a pseudo relationship (sleeping together, hanging out, and having my best friend). And... I also get to seek someone that does want a commitment. Because one of the things that really came into focus in Big Sur was this idea that TheGirl and I had a future together. We donít.
A few weeks ago I didnít want to believe that. I fought the idea, and I voiced it to TheGirl. I would put down TheChisel, in hopes that she would realize that a mistake she made. Now I know that whatever happens is going to happen. Nothing I do is going to fix that. And that distance has been healing. Strangely enough, my distance has made TheGirl grow closer. I sense it. The things she says about TheChisel arenít flattering to him. It makes it sound like she really doesnít like spending that much time with him. Letís not be fooled though, she does like spending time with him. Because if she didnít she wouldnít. Whatever he fulfills in her is something I donít. Thatís fine too. Iím OK with her choice now, because my eyes have been open. I poured my soul into our relationship and got a nice time out of it, and a broken heart. What else did I expect? A cookie? Iím good with it now. Sheís the one thatís still unhappy. Iím happy. Always have been. Iíll continue to be so. She hasnít found happiness, and her explorations only reveal how insecure and unhappy she really is.
So yeah... Iím super hyped to go up to Big Sur again. Iím going to take even more pictures.