|Today was a nice lazy day in which I didn't shower, and pretty much didn't do anything else except sleep and watch TV. I needed the time since last night I drank like a fish and pretty much plastered myself with booze. I need to cut down a little. Not get so smashed. Drinking did help me write a couple of poems. I'm not sure they're good, but I'll take some time soon to look them over and do some re-writing. My thoughts went right to TheGirl when I wrote the poems. It's the main pain in my life, pretty much the only pain. Work sucks, but the pain of still having to deal with someone I care for very much, and watch her develop feelings for someone else, just sucks. I told myself I would walk away from this situation if this is what started happening. Yet, here it is, and I'm still here. I guess I think things are going to change. Let's not say think, because it's not think. There is no evidence that things are going to chance. It's hope. I know things are going to progress to the point that TheChisel will be the new man in TheGirl's life. She will most likely move in with him. Despite her protests. She may even marry the guy. She again, disputes these notions. However, nothing up until now shows me that she isn't moving in that direction. Every step I hope that it's the last, and she will finally leave him. She says she's been close twice. However, each time it only seems to be a false alarm.
At the end of the day my hope needs to be broken. I need to break it. I need to just let go of all this once and for all. It's very difficult, because the alternative is something I've lived and it's not pretty. I've been very lonely at various points of my life. The day that TheGirl called me was the day that I told myself I would simply give up on love. Crazy coincidence. I lost all hope, and that was the moment that hope came looking for me. There's a great line in "Fight Club" about how when you lose everything that's when you're truly free. Ironically our first break-up felt more permanent that the subsequent break-ups. Because that one was the most real. That one didn't have hope. It's only when you stop looking for something that it happens.* * * * * *
And since I mentioned being tanked last night, hereís a little of what I wrote, my attempted haiku while drunk. Can you tell what was on my mind?
I should say good-bye
have you feel pain like I have
erase you forever
* * * * * *
One last thought tonight. The NRA might be right about having armed guards at each school. But how to fund such a thing, right? How about a 10% tax on all assault rifles, and a 75% tax on the ammo they use? Sounds like that should pay for every school to be safe. Thanks NRA, you're leading the way.* * * * * *
Actually, one final, final thought that I have to vent about. My aunt is getting older, is also getting ready to retire some time around February, I believe. Tonight she got all mad at me because I forgot to take the trash out, and because I forgot to remind her to pay the mortgage. Thatís fine, except she pays that mortgage, I pay the 2nd mortgage. They are on two different dates. She hordes the bill for the 1st mortgage, and I have too many things on my plate to remember. The end result is that she says that I have to pay both after she retires. Which of course she throws out as a threat because she knows I canít pay both. However, all it makes me want to do is leave her and never come back. I have no affinity for the people in my life these days. Except for my buddy from school, and a couple of other people, I donít really have anything tying me down to this place. My stuff is here, but the two people I loved more than anything are now gone. This place has become less of a home than my car. I donít spend that much time here anymore. I try desperately to avoid my aunt because all that comes out of her these days is vinegar. Sheís obsessed with this guru on TV that fills her with some dopey ideas about the bible. All made up stories, all delusional scenarios that are all about mind control, and making money. And this is what I have to deal with every day that I come home. She is getting too hard to carry emotionally. I get it, she feels tired. One week into retirement she is going to be bored out of her skull, and sheís going to hyper-focus on my life. Just great!