|Iím so bad at keeping up with this. I told myself that when I write in my computer journal that I would post it here. BUUUTTT... I always forget to do both. Mainly because I get tired at the end of the day and Iím not thinking those thoughts any more. But, hereís how things have been going the last few days.
Nov 15, This past week I was told that if the San Marino library is approved to open on Fridays that I would possibly be up for a job as library assistant, and that I would be asked to work on Fridays in San Marino. It's still up in the air how much I would be paid, and if I would actually get this job. There would still be an interview process that I would have to go through. The major block to this is my working at Glendale on Fridays. I make a nice chunk of change on Fridays. It's my longest day, and I get paid well. What else could I ask for? A chance to get away from patrons on the circulation desk. My job is perfectly boring now. I need something, a challenge. A challenge with each person that comes up. This library assistant job is that challenge. I know I would do a great job. I've done it in the past when people give me a chance. I come out swinging, come out prepared as fuck. I do want this, but I'm wondering if it's the right move.
There are challenges to working on Fridays at Glendale as well. Like today, it was a typical Friday. I was the Jack of all trades. I described my work to someone as being the utility man on a baseball team. But enough about that. Today's big news is that I submitted my work for consideration for viewing at the Brand Library. If my work passes muster it will be displayed at the gallery. I know I keep saying it year after year, and I try a little and then give up. However, I'm going to say it again. I HAVE to get my work out there. I have to find a way to have eyeballs view my work. Enough of this waiting around shit. I hope this is a step in that direction.* * * * * *
Nov 16, I learned late last night that the San Marino city counsel did approve that the library will open on Fridays. No word what this means as far as me, aside from what I already know.
Tonight was supposed to be a big night for me. I invited TheDesire to go see the movie "Dear Mr. Watterson." I wanted the night to include me talking to her about how I feel towards her. I mean I like her. I've been holding back the flood of emotions, because I don't want to get too deep into this unless I know that she will reciprocate. The movie was great. It's also so nice to walk around with TheDesire. She's pretty. People notice her. They look at me and think, "What a lucky douche." I hate to admit it, but I do like that feeling being with this pretty girl I like. Even though she's just a friend right now. It's kinda been like that all my life. Whenever people have mistaken me standing next to a pretty girl to mean that we're girlfriend and boyfriend it's made me feel nice. Tonight was no different. I don't want to think of TheDesire as simply arm candy. She is much more than that. But, one of the reason why I like her is her physical attractiveness. I have this crazy idea that if she finally did go out with me that I might have to take her to Disneyland on our first date. That would be another first. Now I just have to overcome my cowardice.* * * * * *
Nov 17, TheGirl flaked on going to Disneyland a few weeks ago. Well, today we finally went. It was a little anticlimactic since I've been to Disneyland two times since the time she flaked on me. Mind you, the person I was with is nice, but of course T and I have never been intimate. It's so difficult to go with a female friend to Disneyland. Ever since TheGirl came into my life I have had the privilege of going to Disneyland escorted and in a relationship. The park was always fun, but since TheGirl Disneyland has become ten times more everything. Today was fun. I tried not to be "lovey-dovey" with her since we aren't in a relationship, and those kind of things should be reserved for a couple. We're good friends, and if things had worked out we would still be together. But I really want to give my heart to someone that won't trample all over it. I do want to trust TheDesire with my heart, though I wonder if she will truly appreciate it. Perhaps she won't, but I'm willing to stick my neck out for her or any other person that comes into my life. I'm not afraid to get hurt again. I would rather NOT get hurt again. I go into every relationship I've had with the idea that it's going to last forever. They haven't. But I still have that thought. Back to Disneyland. It was fun. We arrived at nearly noon, so there were a lot of people there already. With T I've been arriving at 9am, on average. That's three hours earlier. Still, we did some neat stuff. TheGirl had never been on the sailing ship Columbia, so we went. I showed her the below deck stuff, which includes the bunks.
On our way home we started talking about relationships. I want to lay the foundation for my future dating. I don't know if there's a future with TheDesire, I WANT there to be certainly. But, I want TheGirl to know in parts that I will move on. Again, I hope it's with someone that will be that perfect mate. I think we have to go through this in order to find that right person for us. Yadda, yadda, yadda. I'm drunk. What I do know is that TheGirl does feel bad for the way things ended with us. If she was a different person she would still be with me. If I was a different person I would go and tell TheDesire that I want to be with her.
At the end of the night TheGirl talked about how she isn't in a relationship. I attempted to correct her to say that she is in a pseudo relationship with her husband. The two of those deserve each other, that's for sure. I wanted to illustrate that her non-commitment is still a commitment. She countered by saying that it means nothing. It's empty, the sex is empty, the relationship is empty. I'm not quite sure if she's saying that or it's something she believes. I guess it's because I don't care either way. I'm out.* * * * * *
Nov 18, Work was work today. The highlights of the day include getting the news that if I get this library assistant job they would ask me to work on Sundays. Fuck!! Fucking fuck! I've been able to not work on most weekends for the last year or so. And now I'm going to go back to working on Sundays? Dammit! I so wanted to just work on Fridays instead. BUT, I guess they already have people covering that shift. Now I'm painted into a corner, because it really does seem like this job is meant for me. Just for me. I'm downloading the application so I can fill it out as I write this sentence. Oh man, what am I doing. I told that Beverly Hills job that I would be available on Saturdays and Sundays. Now I won't be available on Sundays, and that sure has fuck is going to make not not want to work on Saturdays.
I know I blew it with TheDesire on Saturday, but I'm still trying. I still believe I have a chance, if only a slim one, to win her over. I invited her to a showing of Nightmare Before Christmas at the Orpheum theater in downtown. It's on a day she might work. It would really validate her possibly liking me IF she asked for the day off. I doubt that will happen, but you never know. I keep saying that I have to tell her how I feel, but then I chicken out. Tonight my coworkers said that I need to make that move. Certainly, they said, her hanging out with me means that she is comfortable with me, and that on some level she likes me. I sure hope so, because I won't have many chances with her. The window of opportunity is certainly closing.
After work I took TheGirl home, after she walked up to meet me at my Monday job. We had a talk, and I think she senses that I may be seeking a relationship. She mentioned this by mentioning our trip to Big Sur set for Valentine's weekend. She said she didn't have any plans, mainly because she hates celebrating that holiday. But she also said that if I needed to postpone or move the date because of other circumstances that she would be OK with that. Only other circumstances she was talking about was dating someone and wanting to take her out on Valentine's day. Inside I do wish that I can celebrate Valentine's day with TheDesire. But, realistically I don't know that anything will be happening between us at that point. I sure hope so.