| I saw the dream that I had the other day more clearly today. I can see MFC's face looking right into mind telling me to stop loving her. But how do I do that? How do I let go of an idealized image? How do I let go of this emotional crutch that I've been holding on to for over a decade? I have no earthly idea because the idea of letting go has never really crossed my mind. I still hold out hope, though less and less every year, that I will see MFC again and that this time she will be ready for me. I seriously doubt that she knows anyone quite like me. OK, sure, now I might hear you say that she sure doesn't know anyone as stupid as me. Granted, this may be true, but I do adore, admire and love her. It is amazing how a short moment in time can live on so vibrantly in my mind that I can still feel the way I did some 13 years ago? I know that it's a rhetorical question diary, but I still ask it. I know that she has no idea that she is admired by me, but some part of me would like to let her know. But, I still fear what happened the first time I tried will happen again. I asked her out three times and each time she said no. Could I handle seeing her again, and asking her out yet again, only to have her say no again? No, I honestly could not. I think that is why I don't wish to see her again... that way I can always hope. To lose that hope now would definitely pain me to no end. |
