| Today has turned into one of the worst days of my life. I finished my assignments, and that was good... but, it was what happened afterwards that has me in this depressed state. As I was walking back to my car I walked by HS's office and thought about asking her out, once and for all. Funny enough, usually I'm nervous, but not this time. I got as far as her office door and then suddenly I froze. I don't know what it was, but suddenly I was numb, and I couldn't make myself knock on the door. I went outside thinking that the fresh air would do me some good. It did and it didn't. I saw her leave her office and I followed her, determined to ask her out, as silly as it was, out of the blue. Again, just as I was about to ask walk up to her and ask her, I choked. I tried a total of at least five times to walk up to her, and I'm sure that she must have been wondering who this guy was who followed about 30 feet behind her. I felt so dumb that I just went home. Now I'm wondering, where this mental block came from, and how do I free myself from it. Asking a girl out is still pretty exciting and nerve racking, but this time it was neither. Nevertheless, I couldn't bring myself to do it. I liked that I wasn't nervous, but I hate that I couldn't jump that last hurdle. Mental block or not, I hate myself right now. I feel that I'm doomed to only date women who ask me out, which is few and far between. I'm in this constant state of just bursting out in tears... but I haven't done it yet. I think that I feel sorry for myself, and I hate myself for that too. I should be feeling mad at myself, not sorry. I need to meditate on this to see if I can break this cycle. Otherwise I can just sign up for seminary school. As for Talia, well, I didn't have a hard time asking her out, and I wonder why that is. I asked her, but I didn't set a date because we were both busy. But then, the other day she gave me the cold shoulder, and I felt complete dumb about going out with her too. There is definitely something I have to work through. |
