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From now on -- 2002-12-04
Bad news. I'm not sure if you remember, but there's this brunette girl from my class that I've talked about asking out. Well, today was a perfect day for it. I got on the shuttle, and she was there. There wasn't a seat so I went to the back of the bus. Playing it cool... real cool. I walked to class, where she was just arriving as I was arriving. I talked to her about this and that, and how sleepy I was. Then my opening came. I was about to ask her if she had seen the movie she was talking about a couple of weeks before, when this other guy who arrived a few moments after I did asked her about something, I didn't hear what. She says, well, the guy I go out with... blah, blah, blah. That's all I heard... the guy I go out with. It is a strange statement, but she makes some strange statements sometimes because it's an early class and we're all half asleep at that time of morning. Needless to say I didn't ask her out. Then the blonde girl that was sorta my back-up ask out showed up late. Then, to cap my horrible day she left early. No chance to ask HER out either. Fuck! Just one more chance to do so. I have nothing to lose, so that's cool.

On my way home I was feeling a little strange. Not angry, not sad either, and not numb either. I don't know how to describe it, but it almost felt like I didn't feel anything.

Then, I went to my other class, and failed my stupid test. I started out good, but then I totally went down in flames. Dammit! I didn't understand a thing on the second half of the test. Dammit! I know I bit the dust. I'm doing well in the class, so I think that I can absorb this one horrible test. I know I'll do better on the final. WAY better. I was simply out of it today.

Michelle thinks that I'm depressed because I don't want to trim my X-mas tree this year. I'm just not in the mood to do so. I haven't been for a while. Last year I did it, but really I was forced because it was X-mas. No one else was going to do it. No one else is doing it now. Hence an untrimmed tree. Could I be depressed? I'll have to think about that.

You know, something that could be bothering me is that I'm single. A while back though, I'd say about two years now, I told myself love was obviously not meant for me. I haven't ever had any luck finding it. Oh sure, I'll like a girl, but she never seems to like me. I have this curse that as soon as I like a girl she finds a boyfriend. The curse also works the opposite way. If I don't like a girl at all, she's bound to like me. It never fails. I grew tired of it, and I promised myself a couple of years ago that I wouldn't ever fall for someone again. I still haven't. My words fail me right now, but suffice to say, I'm going to be alone for a very long time. I can see the writing on the wall... I'm a big, ugly, guy who no girl ever takes the time to get to know. It's a shame, you know because I'm damn good. But, I guess it's their loss.

I think I'll just crawl under some rock and die... if no one minds. No one does.

I am self-aware of something - I'm becoming bitter. A lot more things bother me nowadays. A lot more things feel stupid to me. I hate a lot more things than I ever did before. I tend to get angry a whole lot faster than I did before. In short, I'm turning into someone I don't like very much. I'm completely off-center. I don't want to turn into those people that hate everything.

Call me the single guy from now on. Yup... the Single Guy.

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