(12:52pm) Iím a little more than an hour away from riding my bike to work. I work the most horrid three to midnight shift tonight, and Sunday. I wonder if itís a punishment for not working a couple of weeks ago. Iím drinking a Coke in lieu of food. I havenít had anything to eat since around 3 p.m. yesterday. Iím just feeling like Iím suddenly in the abyss.
I had a dream the other night that El Patron interpreted as being a dream about how aimless I feel since school ended. School was a goal I set for myself to complete. Now that itís done I donít know what to do with myself. I should have known.
Also, remind me again why we have hearts and feelings and passions and shit like that? Seems like in my life those things are possessed to bring nothing but pain. In my case itís unrequited, always and forever unrequited.
I havenít meditated in a LONG time. This pain is coming from a want, and I havenít dealt with that in a while. I became a Buddhist partially to deal with this want/need thing and partially to find truth. Speaking of truth, one of the four noble truths is that, ďLife is suffering.Ē
Craving is the deep-seated desire that all living beings have for the pleasures of the senses, and for life itself. For instance, people always seek to enjoy good food, entertainment and pleasant company. Yet none of these can give them complete and lasting satisfaction. After the fine meal has been eaten, the beautiful music heard and the pleasant company shared, one is still not content. One would like to enjoy these pleasures again and again, and for as long as possible.
I have come to the understanding that I simply donít know anything about anything, especially love. I donít know how to go about getting it, how to feel it, or how to express it. Certainly never learned to express it in a correct manor. What I should be doing is meditating to purge myself of all wants and desires, not writing this journal entry.
My friend Vagabundo de Granada just called me to tell me how bad his day is going. Shit, my day hasnít even started and Iím already feeling like nothing. What does the rest of the day have in store for me I wonder.
"We're the middle children of history.... no purpose or place. We have no Great War, no Great Depression. Our great war is a spiritual war. Our great depression is our lives." - Tyler Durden