|I know itís only the third day of the week as I write this (Tuesday night), but already this week is completely pointless. Is this how my life is going to be after college, completely pointless to the point that everything sucks? How the fuck did I get to this point? Itís not like Iím not trying to get something started, itís just too hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. For just short of two years I saw graduation as the goal. I put in all my energies into accomplishing that goal. Now that Iíve done that Iím pretty much aimless. I mean there is the whole ďgetting a new jobĒ thing, but thatís not the same.
I canít point to a job and say, ďIíll get that job if I do such and such.Ē I just have to drop an application at a place and hope they call me back. Speaking of that, Monday I went and dropped an application at Barnes & Noble.
I HAVE to get out of crappy Ralphís already. What I should do is give them my letter of resignation already and be done with it. I have to just roll the dice and hope for a good outcome. Because that place is really just bringing me down. School was a good counterbalance to that shitty job. But since I donít have school now all I have is the downward thrust of crappy Ralphís. ARGH!
I was thinking about some of the words from my last posting, specifically the following:
Personal relationships, particularly romantic ones, can be the INTJ's Achilles heel. While they are capable of caring deeply for others (usually a select few), and are willing to spend a great deal of time and effort on a relationship, the knowledge and self-confidence that make them so successful in other areas can suddenly abandon or mislead them in interpersonal situations.
What gets me is how I can be so ďperfectĒ in every other aspect of my personality (according to this personality test), but how that perfection does to pot when it comes to romantic relationships. Shit, I might as well just crawl into a hole and die... I mean right? What else is there to do? Either that or become a Buddhist monk. I wonder how long it takes to become a Buddhist monk.
Iíve also been thinking about my photography. I feel itís time to take my photography to a different place artistically. You know, to explore different photographic ideas and philosophies. Iím not sure what I where I want to take my photography, but I do want to explore new avenues of thought, explore lighting and such. I donít know, Iím just talking out my ass right now because Iím trying to say what I feel and itís not coming out.
Iíve had SO much Coca-Cola these last couple of days that Iím really starting to wonder if Iím not addicted. I mean I just had a few ounces and Iím really craving some more. Instead of drinking some plain water I so want some Coke. Hmm, this canít be good. No wonder I go to sleep so late, Iím all jacked up on caffeine.
I still donít have a car. The stupid city nearly towed away the crappy Nissan, but I pushed it in before they could take it away. I so wanted it to be taken, but since my father insists on ďfixingĒ it I have to keep it around. Believe me, if it was up to me it would have been sold for scrap by now. As it is he sent me a few bucks to repair it, even though the engine is completely shot, the shocks are fucked, the transmission doesnít have a 4th (highway) gear, and the fucking radio doesnít work. Despite all that he thinks the car is a "Good car." ARGH! From the moment he gave it to me to drive the car was fucked up. The bad shocks kept it from feeling stable. The bad transmission kept the engine running extra hard because it didnít have that highway gear to keep it under 3500 RPMs. This thing was bound to blow up like it did. I hate that car, and now Iím starting to wonder if I dislike it because it embodies the relationship I have with my father... completely fucked.
Itís late, I best log this entry and go to sleep.