It�s nearly time to go to bed, but first some journaling. Tomorrow I have to go back to work after a really great three day weekend. Saturday was the best of the days. My friend�s sister and fiance asked me to take their engagement pictures. I nearly hesitated, but these days when I hesitate that�s my sign to go for it and say yes. So I agreed and boom, there I was taking pictures of them in Big Bear. We drove up to get some pictures in the snow, since the wedding is going to take place in December. I�ve never been in the snow, so it was absolutely fun to throw it, run around in it, slip in it, and finally slide in it. That last move was unintended, but still fun. The following is a picture of the winter wonderland I experienced on Saturday. I�m making a BIG push to finally get some work related to my photography, and by that get my name out there, and by THAT get my work sold. That is the goal. It�s going to take some time, but I think that since I have more free time now I can make it happen. On our way back from Big Bear we stopped off at a Shakey�s in Fontana. I noticed that a certain �type� goes to Shakey�s. I don�t mind going there, I went with TheGirl last year to one in Glendale. But, I will say that when it comes to pizza taste there are certainly better pizzas. There are better chicken joints, but I must admit I could make a meal out of those mojo potatoes. Those things are yummy. Oh, and I hate that they only serve Pepsi. Any restaurant that only serves Pepsi has one strike against it from the start. I mean at least serve both. :( * * * * * *Sunday I wanted to go out to the Huntington with my coworker LM. I also had plans on sleeping with her. She�s in a long distance relationship, and I proposed to her that we sleep together, but I didn�t want her to think that it would lead to something. I know it sounds horrible to propose this to someone who is in a relationship, but I�m pretty jacked up these days when it comes to caring about ethics. At the end of the day I know I�m not a good person, but at least I�m willing to admit that fact and not be a hypocrite. That doesn�t absolve me of the bad things though. LM said no to my proposal, which is for the best. She�s in a good relationship that she says is loving and caring. I don�t know how it can be with over 10,000 miles between them, but what do I know? All I know is that I was trying to have a good time, but that it was probably best that LM didn�t agree to it. In the long run she would have developed feelings for me, and I�m not looking to develop feelings for anyone right now. Right now I need to either be alone, or have a nice little dating situation, but nothing serious. * * * * * *Today I pretty much just sat here at home. I had to get some things done, like change a bunch of the picture links on this journal. I�ve recently switched servers for my website, and I had put a lot of the picture links using a 3rd level subdomain. I�m sure I�ve lost some of you reading this. But suffice to say, if the picture link isn�t correct then the pictures on this journal don�t show up. So i went through all the entries that contained the wrong links and changed them to the correct link. That took the better part of my evening, but at least the picture links now work on this journal. I hope I didn�t miss any. While switching the links it afforded me a chance to look back at a lot of my previous entries on this journal, essentially reliving those moments. Towards the end there are a lot of entries pertaining to TheGirl. It�s crazy to believe how much that woman penetrated my life. She was my everything for that time. And now she�s nothing. The last year was not a pleasant one with her though, and those thoughts are freshest in my mind now. Those thoughts bring ill feelings about TheGirl to the surface. How she just couldn�t be honest with me and go off with her new man, instead of holding on to me hoping that I would leave. I wanted to leave so many times last year, but I loved her and I could not let go of her. Today, I�m not in love with her. I don�t even like her all that much. I still have her in my life, but I�m slowly making my way out of it. A part of me wants to hurt her like she hurt me. She says she wants me in her life as a friend, because I�m the only bit of sanity in her life. Knowing that I want to just bolt, leave her in her little insane world to fend for herself. Not that she can�t, she�s a big girl and knows exactly what she does and the consequences of the choices she makes. But if me leaving her life would hurt her I do have something in me that wants to hurt her. Because I�ve been hurt by her so many more times. And every time I�ve been hurt I�ve turned the other cheek and forgiven her. She relies on that. The line must be drawn by me. Every other man is not me. I will walk away... I�m already doing so. When she turns around I�ll be gone. That�s my plan, anyway. End Communication. |
