| Do you ever just have a day where nothing goes wrong but you just feel bad? I had such a day today. Nothing wrong happened to me today, yet I feel like crap. My little sis drove me to the point where I called her a name. It might not be a big thing for you but for me it's a supremely horrible thing to do. I'm not used to fighting with people at all. I'm a pacifist, and I don't believe in fighting of any kind. A good argument is all right, but name calling is not something do. I feel bad, perhaps more than my sis, because I did mean what I said at the time I said it. That very fact hurts me more than anything, and I have felt the weight of that action all day. So much so that I've been unable to concentrate on anything today. I couldn't even watch the football games in peace, I was that troubled over my action. I feel like a complete jerk. Ever since my mother died and I found that I couldn't cry in front of anyone I told myself that I was going to make an effort to get in touch with my feelings. I felt so much pain in my heart when my mother died, so much so that I thought that I would never smile again, or even live very long. Nevertheless, was not demonstrative of those feelings, except for being quiet in situations where I'm usually sociable. It prompted a comment by someone in my family in which they stated that I didn't even miss my mother. If they could only feel what I felt inside me at that moment they would know how I felt. In a sense it was my fault since I have always been able to hide my feelings so well. I've always been able to do that. But, since then I thought that I should be more open and in touch with my feelings. That has brought me to this point, in which I find myself not suppressing my emotions, but rather trying to deal with them. A new experience for me, I assure you. And one that isn't very appealing at times, especially on days like today where I find myself unable to cope with a flood of latent emotions. One thing that did go wrong was something my friend A.Mouse told me today. Among the other problems she has been having to deal with she got some bad news about her health. I feel for her. At times like this I wish that I could make things right. I wish there was something I could do for her, but there isn't. |
