|If I thought that last month was my best writing month than I would be wrong. This month is much better, though there is more to do. I am very close to finishing up the lastest story I'm working on, and I love it. I'm doing it the right way, by sitting down and getting the words on the page. The inspiration that I searched for is now coming to me when I sit down to write. I love it.
Of course to offset that good news I have bad news. Yesterday I went and tried to ask HS out again. I couldn't do it, and I know now why. I fear any and all rejection. As I walked to her office I wasn't nerves at all, which is strange for me under this type of situation. There weren't any butterflies in my stomach, or that horrible feeling that something is going to go wrong. What I did have was a feeling that she was going to say no to my request. That made me stop in my tracks, and made me feel horrible at the same time. I wondered why I felt this way about myself. What, I thought to myself, I'm not good enough? Hell, I think I'm better than good enough for her or anyone else. But, in reality I must have a deep seeded fear that every woman I like will not find me good enough to date. I've always had that fear, and I think that's why I always end up being 'girls best friend.' After meeting Talia I have this feeling of loneliness that is starting to crush me under its weight. I've never really felt this way, which might go to say something about myself and Talia. But, seeing as she has a boyfriend, I can't go there. I'll have to ask her tomorrow, if I see her, if she really does have a boyfriend or she was just jiving me. I mean, would a girl who had a boyfriend let me make out with her? And, do I want a girl who is going out with me to stay on the prowl for another guy? There are so many logical reasons for me not to pursue Talia... so why can't I get her out of my mind?