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Disappointments -- 2002-05-11
I've known this lesson for a while now, but I think that it's time that I put it completely in to practice. I think that from this point forward I'm not going to love anyone. I'm going to hold back that part of myself, in each and every relation.

I haven't actively thought of holding back. As of late it's been more of a thing that I've known, but never thought to practice actively. That's changed, I'm going to actively build emotional walls around me. For my own well being.

In other news, it turns out that I'm an emotional cripple. Thanks Anne, for the kind statement. Sure, I don't have a girlfriend right now, but does that mean I'm a cripple? I guess it must. Believe me, it's not for lack of trying. Wait, actually, I haven't tried all that hard as of late. Talia was the last girl I tried to pursue, but that blew up in my face. I'm still thinking that I might have to call her some day soon for some sort of update. Right now she would pretty much be a friend, with benefits. But, is that what I want to settle for right now? There's that word again, settle. Why must I settle? Why must I go on someone else's silly time schedule? You know, I don't, and I don't really care what others have to say about me. That's the beauty of this whole thing, everyone's remarks slide off me like water off a duck's back. Believe me, as soon as I heard that remark it went in and then it was out the crapper. I thought about where that remark was coming from, and thought of how little weight it had.

However, it is time for chance. Like the wall thing, I think that it's time that I push myself hard to get what I want. I've been passive for a long time, because it's my nature. However, there are times when I can be quite agressive. I've noticed that when I drive I'm way more agressive than in any other part of my life. If I treated people out of my car the way I do in my car I would be pretty much thought of as assertive. As it is I'm thought of as passive. At the same time I can't forget my new teachings. I have to flow like the water. Water has a force, but it's also passive. I have to find that balance in my life. I'm not quite as forceful as water, but I know I have the passive part down pat. Time to work on the other half.

OK, so here's the plan. I slowly move away emotionally from certain people who are circling the drain. Those aren't too many, thankfully, but at the same time I don't want to be sucked in with them. Sad thing is that they don't see how close they are to the drain. I see the drain getting closer and I don't like it, they seem to be swimming right towards it. It's so frustrating from my standpoint because I want to help them. But, I can't help if they are going to pull me in.

I feel like I'm writing in riddles right now, and in a way I am. Not that any of my friends read this thing, but there comes a time when the air needs to be cleared. This is the time, here and now. I don't fear losing a few friends over this because this is about me. I'm the most important person in my life. Everyone else is a jerk, they don't care about anyone else, but I do. However, that only gets me kicked in the face. So, from now on it's me first, second and then everyone else third. I don't want to forget that everyone else is still a human being because at the same time there are some wonderful people out there who I do wish to befriend. However, at the same time I want to move farther away from the jerks of the world. I also have this need to put them in their place when they get out of hand. I don't know how far I'll get with trying to right all the wrongs in the world... it's one project at a time. Besides, why bother? The world is going to die pretty soon anyway. Thanks W. Bush! Hey, I have a good idea, lets pump more carbon into the atmosphere, I like winters without rain, and summers that are like spending the day in an oven. Thanks again!

Oh and in closing, I'd like to think myself for finally getting on the ball and discovering that people are sheep who will fight you while they are lead to the slaughter house. See ya when your ground into some nice sheep burgers. Fuck you all!

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