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First Correspondence to one Margaret Farquhar -- 2003-06-23
Did you ever have a friend, the kind of friend that you could spend hours on the phone? Or minutes, but those few moments you were able to talk about anything? I have a friend like that, but there are times when she promises that she is going to call me, and she doesn't. A very typical moment in time with her goes something like this.


Her: That's my other line, I'll call you in five minutes.

Me: OK.

Her: Bye.

More than five minutes will go by and I will not get a call back. A day, two days, three days, will go by and I will still not get a call back. Finally I call. The moment goes something like this.

Her: Hey.

Me: Hey.

Her: I'm really busy/sleepy, can I call you back later?

Because there times I need to vent, and I have the need to relate it to a person I will write to my new friend, Margaret Farquhar.

If you are a person who remembers little, insignificant things, you will know who Margaret Farquhar is. I shall only give you one hint. She was a character on a television program called "The Wonder Years." Again, if you know the show you will know the little details behind the character of Margaret Farquhar. But not all of them. Margaret reminded me of someone I knew, but can't remember her name. Margaret is as good a name as any because the person I knew was Margaret Farquhar, and vice versa.

My Margaret Farquhar was someone I knew for a very short time. I can not even remember her face. I can't remember her name. I can only remember the feelings that I felt when I knew her, and when I didn't know her. I did her wrong, and I can't even remember what I actually did. Today she represents someone I wish I knew again. She represents a little part of me that I need to right. And now, she also represents someone I will talk to on this journal. My first Correspondence to Margaret Farquhar starts now.

To: Margaret Farquhar

Margaret. This weekend I spent some of my time watching "My So-Called Life." I rented it because I adore the show. I read some thing somewhere in which Angela, the main character, is said to have a little Holden Caulfield in her. I love that book. There are moments in the show that just, just hit me, like an emotional punch in the chest. I stop breathing for a beat, my eyes water with an awe for that moment in time when something just reverberates through me. I well up inside from the sheer amount of emotions I feel at that very moment.

An example is this line, from the show. Angela is hanging out with her new friends, while an old friend walks up to her. She says, "What I, like, dread is when people who know you in completely different ways end up in the same area. You have to develop this, like, combination you, on the spot."

How perfect is that statement? I don't think any two of my friends know me in the same way. I feel that I have to split myself in two if two different friends, from two different worlds, come together in the same place. I don't want that moment to last for very long.

So I wonder, am I really different around my different friends? I think I must be. Not fundamentally different, but just different in what I might say, or do. Now I might think about how I act around certain people. I know that I act like I don't notice Michelle Cayada ignoring me. I don't think she knows how much it hurts to not be able to talk to her. She's like a stranger that I know. You ever run into someone from your past? You remember them, but you know they don't remember you. What did you do? Did you stand there, thinking of why it's a good idea not to go up and talk to them because they don't remember you? That's what I do. I feel a wall around them, and I don't want to approach them. Michelle makes me feel like that now. I knew the day would come in which I would no longer be welcomed into her life. However, I didn't expect it to be so soon, and so abrupt.

I watched the three episodes that come in the first DVD of the set of five. I want to watch them again, and again, and again. There are these moments... that just... I don't know... get to me, on the show. Perfect little moments in time that, thankfully, are captured on film. Nothing I've ever written has caused me to have those feelings. I'm not good enough yet. I'm definitely on my way. But, I'm not there yet.

I wonder why Suiza is the way she is. She said she was going to call today. I called her last night. She was tired, and it was late. No excuse, I've picked up the phone when she calls me up at 2 a.m. The least she could do is talk to me when I call her at 11 p.m. But our friendship isn't like that. I do adore her as a friend. I'm happy to get those few moments that I do with her on the phone. I can't talk to anyone else like I can to her. She's told me the same thing about me. As I think about it, I do act differently with her than with my other friends. I'm more open about certain things. I'm glad I have her as a friend. Even when she doesn't call back when she said she would. I forgive her. She's much busier than I am.

It's late now Margaret, and I have to get some sleep. Before I go, I wanted to leave you with one more quote from the show. Another thing that Angela says that got to me. She's talking about yearbook. I have my serior year of high school yearbook, and that's all. There are exactly two picture of me in it. One is my portrait, and the other is in a group of people from my photo class. One of my cousins is in that one too. Nothing else of me is in that book. The signatures that were once so important for me to get, are now not even thought of. If I look through the book I remember them. I start to miss them. But, even they aren't in the book, except for their portraits. It's like I didn't even go to that school. But I did. Four years of my life were spent there. Four of my happiest years. Yet, there's no record of that, except in my mind. It's late, let me get to the quote.

"It just seems like, you agree to have a certain personality or something. For no reason. Just to make things easier for everyone. But when you think about it, I mean, how do you know it's even you? And, I mean, this whole thing with yearbook -- it's like, everybody's in this big hurry to make this book, to supposedly remember what happened. Because if you made a book of what really happened, it'd be a really upsetting book."

I wouldn't say upsetting, but I know for some it would be. But enough of that. Good night Margaret.

From, Me.

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