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Sick -- 12.09.04
My Grandmother has cancer. Today I felt as if we're all waiting for a death sentence. The waiting to find out hurts me the most. Not knowing either way hurts. The doctors are noncommittal. They don't want to give false hope, or bad news. I can understand, but still, it hurts not to know. Not that I really want to know if the news is really bad.

Today was a hard day, for my Grandmother and me. My Grandmother might have hit a wall today. She looked, to me, as if she was too tired to fight. I'm not sure if she's not going alone with the treatment simply because she feels bad telling us just to let her go. Today I broke down when I told her that I loved her very much. I really lost it when I told her that I considered her not only my Grandmother, but my mother, and my friend. Just thinking about that right now... sorry... just thinking about that just now made me lose my composure.

If these are her final days I'm doing my best to keep her memories close, and more tangible than a stagnant picture. I'm taping our conversations, taking pictures, and using the video function on the camera to record her moving around. I honestly think that these are her last days. I'm hoping they aren't, but the reality of this is sinking in.

I took her the Christmas gift I was giving her this year. I wanted her to see it early. I suppose just in case.... I took a picture of her while she looked it over. I just looked at the picture a second ago, and it brought me to tears. I can't stand this. She loved the gift, which was a collection of my photography in album form. Like a portfolio. I worked on it for her, and I thought it would make a good gift for everyone else I was going to give presents to this year. This gift is going to have a horrible meaning attached to it if this turns out bad. Which is what I'm preparing for, the worst.

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