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X-mas eve? -- 12.24.04
So everyone keeps telling me it's Christmas eve tonight. I'm sure not feeling festive, for obvious reasons. I bought my Grandmother home from the hospital tonight. The doctor thinks that spending Christmas in a hospital is the last thing she should be doing. The chemo treatments aren't going to start until Wednesday. It's going to be a long week. But what week so far has felt short? None, to me at least.

Very little matters to me right now. A little while after bringing my Grandmother home from the hospital I wanted to smash everything in the house. I couldn't find a pair of dark glasses she wanted, and I was ready to tear the house in two to find them. The growing frustration with the illness, and my stomach doing a dance, while I looked for the glasses, caused me to lose it.

When my Aunt showed up from work I asked her if she had any idea where the glasses might be. She said that she believed that the glasses had broken a while back, and that my Grandmother had thrown them away. That would make sense, since I practically tore her room apart looking for them. This is typically how things are going these days. Nothing good happens these days. From the moment my Grandmother went into the hospital the news has been bad, and getting worse. This week the stress finally got to me. I smashed my hand on a piece of furniture, and nearly took a bat to everything in the house. Especially the tree. It represents so much of what I hate right now. The gifts under it represent frivolous things that I don't have time for right now. I don't have time for anything.

The one thing that is clear through all this, it is time to make a LOT of changes in my life. Some bridges have to be burned, others have to be built. Certainly priorities have to change.

I've been writing while spending all day at the hospital. I'm trying to finish this book of mine sooner than later. I've been talking about this fucking book for so long, but I haven't finished it. I'm racing to write good stuff, and I'm using some of the pain I'm feeling to get it done. But, I'm afraid of taking the book down a dark path that I didn't intend, at first. I think that might not be a bad thing, but I don't want to make it too dark.

Whatever, I've run out of things to say here.

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