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So far this Week -- 02.09.05
My Grandmother's funeral was on Monday. I kept myself composed, because even while I had to deal with the grieving, I also had to deal with the business of the whole event.

I certainly have not had the full cry that I know is waiting to come out. I'm not going to force myself to feel the pain. It will come when it comes. In the last few days I've mistakenly thought that my Grandmother was still alive. Three times over this pass weekend I nearly went to her room to talk to her about something.

There are so many people in the house that I don't have any time to myself. The time I spend alone is as important as the time I spend with others. I need to recharge my battery, and being alone is the key to that. If I'm not alone for a few hours a day I feel like I'm being suffocated. I feel like running away at that point. I don't, but I start to zone out when someone is talking to me, at that point.

Freesia Dulce, even though she doesn't want to take credit for it, has cheered me up, and held me up at times, all this week. I know, she's going to say that I did it on my own. Perhaps, but I know that her encouragement has helped me stay strong.

There have been times when I have felt overwhelmingly alone. It's ironic since I was just saying that I liked those moments during the day in which I'm alone. However, the feeling of being alone doesn't always come over me in those moments. I often feel more alone when I'm in a crowd, and when family is around. Strange. Having them around hasn't turned out to be the comfort I've needed. I've found more comfort in the little talks with Freesia. Yeah, I know you're going to say Freesia, but it's true. Thanks, I owe you lunch. LOL

There are still so many things to do this week. I want to get to work on my book, on getting a job, and on getting my life back again. Right now everything is on the floor. It's time to pick up the pieces.

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