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Cluttered desk/mind -- 12.15.05
My cave, aka room, has been a mess lately. There were papers and junk all over my desk, and everywhere else for that matter.

A cluttered desk is a sign of a cluttered mind. In that spirit I spent a little while to clean up the mess I made. I still have some papers on my desk but at least now they are the ones that have to be there, and not must some stupid junk mail envelopes.

Something I did came back to bite me in the ass. In retrospect I was wrong, and I'm going to apologize though I'm not sure that it will help this situation. I fucked up, pure and simple and there may be nothing I can do to right this wrong. Enough of that for now. It's strange because this stupid thing I did took the sting/sadness away from missing class. Then again maybe it hasn't hit me since I'm sick and worn out from this cold.

Fuck, you know what? The problem with battling God is that you can't win. I know, that statement came out of left field didn't it. But it was something that I was thinking of last night while picking up my aunt. I was pretty damn pissed off, and I'm still pissed off. Let me say this to God... I do not seek your approval nor your redemption. I'm tired of being told that I have to be approved by God. Why the fuck would I want to do that? It is quite clear that you (God) are NOT benevolent, merciful or divine. I can't imagine how so many people believe that to be true. I've seen no evidence of mercy. I've seen only evidence of detachment, or of nonexistence.

I'm just tired of taking what comes and grinning. It's said that God tests us with trials. Well this year has been a series of tests, and I'm pretty sure that I've failed the majority of them. In that case I might as well embrace my loser status and just say fuck it to seeking redemption and approval by some "higher" power, or from everyone else.

Damn you son's of bitches, I've held back long enough. I really want to punch my fists raw right now. My hands haven't been cut up from punching in a while. The last time was a few months ago. This past Tuesday I was walking through the photo lab. In the back they have lockers. Oh man I so felt like trying to put my fist through one of those. I probably wouldn't have, but I lightly hit them a few times. Man did that feel GOOD. I might just hit something in my room right now. I can't hit the wall because I always make a hole in the plaster. Perhaps a one two combination to my dresser. Yeah, that would work. It's made out of solid wood, so no chance that I'll split it open because it's some cheap particleboard.

Hell, I'm thirsty. This is a good time to end this entry seeing as I'm thirsty and I just had two coughing fits in a row, with another to follow. *cough* You couldn't hear it, but yeah I coughed up a lung just now.
End communication.

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