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Good-bye Little Voice -- 05.20.06
 
(7:07 p.m.) Got home from work earlier and took a little unexpected nap while checking my email and doing a little web surfing. Woke up and thought better of contemplating my life just now. After the little fiasco with Any Wonderland that will be explained away as follows. Asked her out, got a surprised response and subsequent slinking away from me back into my shell. That fiasco was Thursday, the next day, that's Friday for all of you who don't know already, a little bitterness arose and I found myself contemplating some stupid thoughts. Let's not go into those right now, I'm sure I'll spill them eventually on this page. Suffice to say I have been thinking a lot lately. Throughout the day I would sometimes revisit the entire subject and just now, well a few minutes ago, my mind drifted towards some other ideas I hadn't thought. So I'm sitting here now, my aunt in the kitchen asking me what I want to eat, thinking that while this whole thing with Any Wonderland has embittered me so certain people, actions, beliefs, it will make for some really great writing. Because I have a nice little idea of what I want to say now. Hence me sitting here spilling my guts just now instead of acquiring sustenance. Fuck sustenance right now, a nice healthy, and growing, side order of epiphany has just been served. If you think that line was clever I'm sure I'll come up with a few more off the cuff genius statements soon. But for now, I don't want to leave my aunt waiting. What for you will be a new paragraph will be for me an hour or two. In the meantime scroll down.

(8:56 p.m.) Continuing where I left off, I got home and instead of having dinner I fell asleep in my chair, as I said before. I treated myself to a little mini marathon of missed Veronica Mars episodes I have stored on my Tivo. Ah, the poor DVR is just packed with a bunch of episodes of Veronica Mars and Lost, and Grey's Anatomy, my three favorite shows if you didn't already know that, since I haven't had time to view them. Thank the maker for Tivo though. I had two VCRs and they didn't do anywhere near the job that one Tivo does. But I digress because this entry isn't about Tivo, as great as it is.

One of the managers at work threw a comment at me that she might want to me start training to be a checker rather than a bagger. OK, that's not a bad idea, especially since checkers make more cash than lowly baggers do. It's strange how things like that work. But yeah, it would be a big step for me because one, I would be committing more to this job than I thought I would. Two, I can see the allure of the continuing existence at Ralph’s becoming less unpalatable. And lastly, part of me would actually enjoy it and right now I'm not about enjoying things. This thing with Any Wonderland stings right now. It's like a delayed reaction that really hit me late last night. I was wallowing in self-pity. I'm glad I'm not a drunk or I would have started drinking right there and then. I think I said it in opening statement but I'll say it again if I didn't... I'm a little bitter about this. I mean come on am I such a horrible person? Why have the karmic forces found me unworthy of finding love? The universe must know that it's something I want and gives me everything I don't want just to make it all the more tempting and distant. I've let go of my want for material possessions and for money, but not for love. I have deliberately tried to keep that want in me because I felt that to do so otherwise would be a bad move on my part. But now I'm rethinking the whole thing. Actually I'm rethinking a lot of things.

I will tell you what I'm going to do though, I'm going to kill that stupid little voice inside my head that keeps me from doing things. That stupid little voice has kept me in the same place all my life. It's only been recently that I've ignored that voice at times that good things have happen. It's when that voice pops up and I heed it's suggestions that I fuck things up. Well, as I told my friend Joya De La Vida today while we chatted online, I'm killing that little voice. Today I ignored it at work and things went really well.

That little voice told me not to ask Any Wonderland out because she would say no. I ignored it and yes she did say no but it turned out to be a good thing. A little salt on the wound, as it turns out, was what I needed to remind me not to listen to that stupid repressive little voice.

Flashing back to earlier this week my mind wanders to a couple of places I want to write about if only to record them for posterity. Before I go to that I wanted to say a word about why I write these things. I've come to realize a little while back that I want to remember as many of the moments of my life as possible. I carry a digital camera around in order to keep a visual record of my life, as stupid as my life might be. Stupid or not it's it my life and I want to remember. I can't tell you why, I just feel this need to record my life.

Jumping back to the wandering mind thoughts I think of a couple of moments on Thursday. This semester my Thursdays have been the longest days. I took 15 units this semester and it practically killed my brain. My body didn't feel the affects at all, which I thought would because of the fewer hours of sleep. But it was my mind that felt the affects, as I said before. See, my mind is already wandering somewhere I didn't want to go. Back to this past Thursday.

After asking Any Wonderland out and getting shot down the rest of the day was kinda cool. I hung out talking to one of my classmates about my dating fiasco and made plans to hang out after the semester is over. We were accompanied by a friend from a class I took last semester. I just realized she needs a nickname but I have to think of one. Anyway, Jennie (nickname to come) and I chatted and walked to her next class because I didn't want to go to my English 369 class on time. I didn't realize that I had a quiz. Thankfully I made it on time, but not for lack of detours though. Jennie played a funny trick on her professor, but I can't mention it here right now. Suffice to say on my way to my 369 class I found another detour, Kendall from my Poetry class last semester. I hadn't seen her since December 8th. The reason I know the exact date is because I took pictures the last day of the semester and I posted a series in Motel with the title "Faces from Dec. 8th." I sat next to Kendall for about 3/4ths of the semester. I LOVED making her laugh... I missed that snickering laugh of hers. It's actually amazing that I heard her call my name because I had just put my iPod headphones on and I was blasting who knows what song. Somehow I heard her call out to me over the blasting music. I told someone that was in that class with Kendall and I about it later and I said that I must have a sixth sense for my name. So yeah, Kendall and I talked a bit. It's strange that I missed her THAT much actually. Maybe I like her and I don't even know it. Wait, I do know it. Anyway, she told me to go to class since I would be late and like no more than fifty feet later I spot this guy from the bank that's inside the Ralph’s I work in. We talked for two seconds and I finally made my way to English 369, just in time to take that quiz I didn't know we were having.

Class sucked of course because it has sucked all semester. English 369 is the one class I won't miss. Fuck you English 369, you didn't teach me a thing and only wasted my time. Moving on, I wanted to add some details from that class that are silly. So we broke into groups of sucky discussion and I got stuck with this one guy that sits next to me and two girls from the other side of the class. One of them just kept looking at me like I was from Mars. The other one kept looking at me like I was from an alternate universe. They might both be right. Anyway, the one girl sitting next to me had some of those low rise jeans and was showing me her whole crack. It was strange yet nice. LOL The other girl pretty much ignored the whole discussion thing and just sat there like a bump on a log. The crack showing girl said something funny to the bump on the log girl. She said, "You look like that girl Vicky from that show Small Wonder." That was pretty funny.

After class the only female classmate that talked to me in 369 and I walked to the parking garage. Her boyfriend just broke up with her a couple of weeks ago and she's taking it kinda rough. I would too. We talked about this and that and a part of me thought that she wanted me to kiss her. It's super wishful thinking on my part I'm sure, but I thought it was funny so I'm mentioning it. Moments before she took the following picture while our crabby professor handed out papers.

I really have a case of verbal diarrhea tonight huh? It's just been so many days since I updated. I had that stupid eight page paper due on Thursday and it was all I could do to write it on time and do my other homework. So I'm kind of pent up right now when it comes to spilling the beans. So yeah, I don't know if she really wanted me to kiss her or if it was just my lonely heart that was projecting my wish to kiss her. It's probably the ladder knowing my life. Oh, BTW it was my little voice that kept me from trying to kiss her. Maybe it was a good idea I did listen to my little voice just then, otherwise I might have gotten five across my cheek. Then again WHAT IF by me being stupid something would have happened? I guess I'll know now that I've stopped listening to that stupid little voice.

This seems like a nice place to stop this entry so I will.
End Communication.

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