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Waiting for Recovery -- 05.30.06
It's been a long day and I'm tired. Once again at the end of the day I'm not physically tired, but certainly mentally tired. I'm having a hard time keeping my eyes open. Yet, I have verbal diarrhea right now and that's what's keeping me awake. Actually I don't think I'm so much sleepy has just mentally not with it right now. My car gave me fits today. I drove out to Glendale in order to help a friend out with something and for my troubles I had to deal with traffic, an overheating car, and frustration.

My car is basically dying a slow death. It really can't handle being driven in traffic because of this busted head gasket it's a ticking time bomb of overheating. It overheats at the drop of a hat and that makes it unreliable. I need a new car, but I can't afford it, hence the frustration. Also this is my summer vacation time and yet I ended up fighting my car and wanting to give up on everything. There was a moment in which I was ready to drive or walk to my job and tell them I was quitting. I think all this is just coming from being mentally exhausted. I so need to meditate.

I wonder how people live with themselves feeling the way I do right now. How do you all suppress being a human being and go to work every day and pretend you're not trapped in a prison of your own making? This is the main reason I became a Buddhist, to get away from the perils of the consumer mentality that makes us want things we don't need and strip ourselves of our humanity in order to conform. Yet now I'm stuck in that consumer machine and I'm keenly aware of what it can do to a person who will be the good cog even while being completely frustrated by the machine.

You say you want
Diamonds on a ring of gold
Your story to remain untold
Your love not to grow cold

All the promises we break
From the cradle to the grave
When all I want is you

The last two years feel more like five years. I was looking at some pictures from what I thought was years ago and they were taken in 2004. I couldn't wrap my head around the fact that it had been such a short amount of time. It's strange how something can feel like it happened yesterday while being so far in the past, and vice versa. I hate that kind feeling.

I have climbed highest mountain
I have run through the fields
Only to be with you
Only to be with you

I don't know why I pretend to want to fit in and why I try to fit in when the last thing I want to do is fit in. Perhaps this is why I never really fit in anywhere, because ultimately I really don't want to fit in. Could be. Or maybe I don't fit in because I try too hard. Who the hell knows at this point? Like I said before, it's and I'm exhausted. Maybe it's time to go to sleep. Yeah, I think it is.
End Communication.

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