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It's a Mistake -- 09.25.06
I've seen the inside of a hospital a lot the last few years. What with my Mother being sick years back with cancer, and then my Grandmother also getting cancer. After they passed away, I figured my visits to the hospital would be few and far between. Today I had to visit one of my cousins in the hospital. She's in the ICU, sedated and on a ventilator. She went into the hospital last week for a serious condition that only got worse. By Saturday she was in the ICU. She's stable right now, but they have to treat her for various ailments before she can be taken off the ventilator. They took her the sedation for a little while today while I was there, but she didn't respond the way they wanted, so they put her back on the sedation.

It's so sad to have to go to a hospital and see a loved one suffer. She has a bunch of tubes in her mouth, IVs poking her, and constant needles taking blood for tests. I suppose being sedated is better than having to be awake during all this. Ideally she wouldn't be sick at all. However, she is sick and the long-term prognosis is hard to know right now.

So that's going on right now. In my life in particular things aren't any better. This past Friday turned out to be a fucking bastard day in many different ways. Firstly, the cold that I felt coming on Thursday stepped through the door. By Saturday it made itself at home and now I have a full-fledged cold. BLAH! Secondly, everyone at work sucked. I had to deal with a damn cold and everyone was acting like a fucking idiot. Not only that, I felt like everything I did was wrong. This lady in line asked me if I was "just now learning" the register. Yeah, I told her, and she rolled her eyes at me. I smiled at her and went about what I was doing. Fuck her! If she was in such a hurry why get in the line that has someone buying a ton of groceries? Get in the express lane dummy!

So yeah, either way I still felt like I didn't know what I was doing. Mainly because I really don't. I came to a conclusion about myself a long time back... I'm a fuck-up and a misfit. I have tried to embrace my misfit nature, because it is who I am. But honestly, I'm an observant person, and I notice that I never really fit anywhere. Oh, and let's face it, I have the uncanny ability to fuck things up. Oh, in the end I might pull something out of my ass and save the day for God and Queen. But before then it's a struggle.

Last year something that I wanted to happen almost happened, but then it fizzled out and was no more. In that case I didn't save the day for me, even if I did for God and Queen. What I hoped would be a start of something made a left turn at indifference and never looked back. I know I'm speaking in riddles, but I don't want to say what it was specifically. Suffice to say, this sort of thing always happens, in the same exactly way. The road will look like it's straight, but I'll still end up off the road to nowhere. Again, sorry for taking in riddles.

I write this and today I actually feel pretty good about myself. But, this weekend I was down. Not just because this cold was beating me up, but because the whole world sucked. Mind you, I don't care if a customer thinks I'm an idiot, or slow, or anything. If I cared what they think I've probably want to just run and hide. But yeah, getting arrowed hurts a bit.

In an entirely different subject, school is going well. I can't believe that this week is the forth week already. That means the semester is 1/4th done already. I'm still spending much of my time on campus by myself. My main in-between classes bud is not around, so I have to pretty much spend time by myself until the next class. And this semester I have about 1 1/2 hours in between my first and second class, and in addition to that I have another 2 1/2 hours between my second and third class on Thursdays. On Thursdays this does allow me to get something to eat. Anyone of you who read this and have had a class with me will know that I'm a big talker in class. Well, if you saw me in my classes this semester you wouldn't even know me. I'm dead quiet in class. A week and a half ago, in my Senior Seminar class, this one girl in my discussion group noticed that I wasn't saying a word. She says to me, "You must have all the secrets since you're not saying anything." I didn't though, I was just quietly drinking my tea. So I guess this semester will be my quiet semester. My first semester at CSUN was my fun semester. The second was my killer semester. This one is my quiet semester. And it remains to be seen what my final (forth) semester will be like.
End Communication.

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