previous entry   /  newest   /  archive   /  next entry

Yes, I'm alive (barely) -- 11.18.06
It's been over a week since I wrote (10 days to be exact). I'll try and catch you up with what's been happening. School continues to suck. This semester is nearly over and it really can't end fast enough for me. The classes I have really do suck, except for one. And the only reason that one doesn't suck is because of the people in the class, not the work in it. OK, that's cool though because I don't want to start missing these classes. I tend to be a big idiot and get emotionally attached to classes. Like how last year at this time I got attached to my photo class and my poetry class. When those ended I felt really sad. You know, I wonder if that can start to explain why I was feeling a bit depressed last year. Hmm, it's something to think about. I still miss those classes actually.

The only happiness I find at CSUN these days is at my library job. There's something about helping people that I love. Also, there aren't people beating me up because they didn't get the discount on their grapes because they got the wrong ones, or the sale ended the day before. I don't need that kind of shit. Speaking of the library, they had a book sale in the lobby. I looked around the books before going to the info desk and working and found the following book (pictured below).

The thing that gets me is how ever upgrade of Windows is looked upon as such a great thing. There's always talk of how it's more stable, and how it won't crash "that often." It's like Chris Rock said about something else, it's supposed to do that you low expectation mother-fucker. Shouldn't it not crash at all? Or crash so rarely that it seems like it doesn't crash at all? Guess not. Oh well, enjoy your crashes. But don't worry, this book will help you figure out what went wrong if you have Windows 98.

At my other job, the crap one at Ralphs, I have developed this detached feeling while working the register. I'm still my usual friendly self, but at the same time I don't look up enough to notice that there might be 20 people in line. I think it's a bit of a defense mechanism in order to keep me from wanting to take too much on. Because I'm just dumb enough to want to finish up as fast as possible when everyone else just works at a steady pace and get things done. So yeah, I'm a bit detached while at work. But I don't think that would come as a surprise to anyone that works a mind-numbing job. LOL

I do have another picture from work though. Last week this guy and a couple of women parked themselves at my check-stand for what seemed like forever. They probably bought EVERYTHING in the store. Their total was a huge $943.29. They filled up 3 carts. They said that they were making their monthly visit to the store. Hell, what they got could last people a whole year. I don't think I've spent a 1/3rd as much in a year's time.

The main pointed I wanted to explore in this entry when I first thought of it was this feeling of rejection. It's subtle but there in the background of my life. I so have to write about how the unattainable for me seems to be anything in creation. I knowI'm probably not making a lot of sense right now, but that's because I'm very sleepy right now. I should really write these things when I'm awake. I just felt this overwhelming feeling of rejection the other day. I'm eating cheesecake as I write this andI'm remembering how I felt rejected.

I hated the felling because it goes against my beliefs. I shouldn't WANT something like I wanted this because it only leads to suffering. Because I know that anything I really want is just going to be out of my grasp. I think that's why I try and embrace the idea that it's better not to want anything. What's the use if it only leads one to suffer? Still, the feeling was there and it lingers even now. I should write this when I'm not half asleep, but I already said that. I think it's time for some sleep.
End Communication.

previous entry   /  newest   /  archive   /  next entry

american ecstasy   /  diaryland