|OK, I've been trying to write an entry for the last week and a half. Nothing comes out because there isn't really much to say. School is fine, work at crappy Ralph's sucks, so what else is new? The only new thing that's happened lately is something that's actually an old thing. More on that in a little while though, first I need to vent a little.
Friday I went to work at crappy Ralph's, which my boss at the library insists I should call Rotten Ralph's because of the alliteration. Still, I prefer to call it crappy Ralph's because that's how I feel there, like crap. I really hate that job, but I've tolerated it because I need to pay the bills. What I missed during these last 18 days since I last updated is my one year anniversary at crappy Ralph's. Yeah, I'm super excited (/sarcasm). What kills me the most about this job is how I get treated by the managers. I bust my hump there and get nothing in return. Every other idiot there is a total goof-off, which makes me wonder how that damn store survives without me. Yes, it's nearly that bad. I've gone there on my days off to pick something up or to get my schedule and I see that there's no one there. That must be how that store survives without me carrying everyone. ARGH! It's just bullshit.
Thankfully the library job is just fine. Saturday it was so slow that I decided to clean up the info desk. The desk is quite literally a MESS. What to see a couple of pictures that illustrate the find organizing I did today?
Big difference huh? I felt rather productive today. Sadly crappy Ralph's never leaves me with that kind of satisfaction. I thought of going up to the manager on Friday and just quitting. Again, economic reasons prevent me from doing that. Still, I have to find another job somewhere, anywhere, else. A friend of mine suggested I work at her job, which sounds like a good idea at this point. Anything but Ralph's.
Which brings us to another subject entirely, the funk I've been living in for the last couple of weeks. I've been thinking a lot about Kat and how my failure with her is the epitome of my failures in life. I missed her this week, to the point that I couldn't keep my mind on anything but her. Even now I think about her and it makes me wish I could see her for a little bit, from afar if need be, just to know that she's well, happy, alive, anything. I can't tell you how long it's been, but I'd guesstimate that it's been about 7 years since I last saw her. Amazingly enough it's been nearly 20 years since I first saw her and fell for her. But, typical of me she didn't want me because I'm: grotesque, idiotic, tactless; not white, inadequate, and strange. Did I mention grotesque?
Once again someone comes around just as I'm writing this to interrupt my train of thought. Where was I? Oh yeah, I've been in a funk missing people that are no longer in my life. Tonight I was looking through some old pictures and found one of my Grandmother. She was sitting in a chair with her eyes closed. Now I know that the pain she had in her stomach was the cancer that would some day take her life. I'm not mad that she died, I've never been mad about that. I have been sad all this time because I miss her. Some of the paperwork for the upcoming graduation ceremony came in the mail this week. I'm not even going to respond. I'll save those papers, along with all the others I've collected during my time at CSUN. But, I'm not going to the graduation ceremony. To me it's just not that important. The only people I would take that walk for are gone, and they aren't going to be there to share that moment with me. To me getting the diploma in the mail is going to be my moment of glory. Everything else just doesn't matter to me.
I know this funk I'm in will pass eventually as school and work keep my mind off missing people. Yet, I know that all I need to remember is a song or a phrase and I'll remember all three of those mentioned in this entry. And yes, I'll get into that funk again and wonder how they are while I sit here alone.