The undiscover'd country from whose bourn
No traveller returns, puzzles the will
And makes us rather bear those ills we have
Than fly to others that we know not of?
Thus conscience does make cowards of us all
Wednesday I was at a meeting at work when I felt something strange... like everything around me was kinda not real, not really happening. Then Thursday I had my first evaluation at my other job and there was no such feeling of being somewhere else. I wish I was though. Iím pretty tired of having to deal with a mountain of bullshit every day only to have to look forward to another day of shoveling it again tomorrow. Someone out there must have an island I can buy. Perhaps I just need to turn my room into that island. Yeah, but what should I do to make my room a cocoon?
Do you ever wonder why WE chug along knowing that tomorrow is going to be another day in which we feel embittered and alone? What makes us accept that this is OK? Is it because we think that this is how itís always been? Yeah, but if thatís the case then why not change? Change is scary, so we rather live in the hell we know than in the hell we donít. But itís of our own making because we never really try to escape it. Iím not even sure how to escape it, but I know I have to find out and do so. My only concern is my happiness. Itís not wealth, itís not a long life, itís certainly not anything like that. My being happy is my only concern. So being miserable is obviously not the way I want to go, but itís were I am. I canít keep going knowing that I can change things but that I refuse because Iím not sure what the change will bring. I have to not care at all about anything else. Because I obviously do care about other things beyond my happiness. I just wish I wasnít so afraid.
Iím tired of my mediocrity getting in the way of my genius. I looked at a book today as I was shelving and cringed. It was a terrible collection of stupid photographs that had no beauty, no insight, no anything. But there it was, in a book, validating them to all the world as something worthy of admiration. Well, I call bullshit.
I find myself grasping for someone who will redeem humanity in my eyes (other than myself, of course - HA!). Because I NEED to know that there is someone out there who isnít a total bastard. Or who is a total bastard but makes no apologies for being one. Sadly this week has not been stellar for that. Everyone has only confirmed my contempt for humanity. Hence me just wanting to crawl into a hole and not see anyone... perhaps ever. So if youíre reading this I suggest you go fuck yourself and stop pretending. Right now Iím going to turn off my cell phone and work on some things I should actually be spending time on. Not on any of you.