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Hopes Down -- 05.14.09

Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player
That struts and frets his hour upon the stage,
And then is heard no more. It is a tale
Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,
Signifying nothing.
- Macbeth

I have to learn to live in the here and now, not in the what might be. In other words, I have to expect the truth, the logical outcome of things. Itís not hard, Iíve done it in the past. But, it is so much easier to imagine scenarios that are more suited for a hack novel or movie. And thatís REALLY what I have to stop. Speculation is fine, as long as itís logical and rooted in reality. To speculate that my foot hurting is a sign that Iíll win the lottery tomorrow is unrealistic.

I met a woman a few weeks ago that I like (but when DONíT I like them?). But to expect anything other than a friendship is not logical because of who I am, and what happens in these situations. I donít inspire the passion that I feel. I never do. Iím doomed to forever be the one that feels ďthat wayĒ and not have it be reciprocated. But this is an old story that Iíve told many times, and which Iím rehashing now. I really didnít want to do that, because itís a waste of time.

Today at work one of my co-workers said to me, ďYou look sad, whatís wrong?Ē Followed by the advice that I should smile. As if smiling would magically turn my mood. Another thought came to mind though--what does it matter if Iím sad? Isnít that MY business? Yes, Iím feeling low, depressed at the situation, hopeless. How is that your concern? Itís as if looking at my sad face made her sad. Maybe it did. We tend to take cues from others, more than we know. If weíre down we can certainly bring someone else a little down.

A friend of mine is having her birthday this weekend. When I said I would go I wasnít feeling like I am these days. Right now I donít want to go, at all. I donít even want to go to work tomorrow. I rather just not deal with people right now. Iím forced to because of my jobs, but I think that on my days off I can do what I please. And I donít want to bother with people. I just want to be left alone. Itís too much to ask, I suppose.

End Communication.

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