OK, so things are going well. And Iím pretty sure that by saying it now Iíve jinxed it and tomorrow the landslide of terrible will start. Fuck, I hate when that happens. All Iím saying is that things have ďstabilized.Ē Perhaps thatís the wrong word too, but Iím going with it.
Next week I have a job interview at my current San Marino job for a better position, library assistant working cataloging and reference. Dream job itís not, but I donít see ads for travel photographer anywhere. Because the people who do that DONíT quit their jobs! And if they do, thereís someone already on the inside ready for the job. Anyway, my point is that this job would be a great move forward because it would mean being going back to reference. Checking out books is cool and all, but the challenge of finding the right book for someone thatís a little lost is what I crave for. My brain needs to be challenged, and stimulated.
So Iím really hoping that I get this job. I mean like the kind of hoping that actually has me considering carrying a good luck charm with me to the interview. My aunt told me that she has a crucifix that my belonged to my Grandmother that I should take with me to the interview. The way my aunt tells the story, my Grandmother, on her deathbed, told her to have it and keep it for ďgood luck.Ē I honestly do not think that it has some sort of charm that will help me get that job. But, it having belonged to my Grandmother compels me to carry it next week. Because even though I donít think it has any special ďpowersĒ it still holds sentimental value. And if only in spirit, I want to take something into that interview that reminds me of her. Not that sheís ever far from my thoughts anyway.
I kinda asked one of my co-workers from Glendale out last week. I say kinda because she posted on Facebook that she was single. I emailed her to ask if it was too soon to ask her out on a date. She said it was, but that it was nice of me to ask. She had to work some things out, she said. I understood that when I threw the invite out only hours after she listed herself as single. Of course that means that sheís not really single. And, it also means that thereís a good chance that she would try to patch things up with the ex. I will never understand getting to the point that you break up with someone and then going right back with the person. The same things that caused the break-up are still there. Perhaps theyíve been mollified in order to placate the other person, but theyíre still there. Nothing has changed. In short, a second chance means one canít move away because theyíre afraid to be alone, and because they rather face the familiar than face the unfamiliar. Thatís understandable, but I know that people donít change. This is why people marry and divorce. They think that the other person is going to chance somehow. That is not going to happen.
So, I remain single... as I will be for the rest of my life. I know I KEEP saying that, but itís true. Itís a statement of irrefutable fact. I try, believe me, I try. Despite saying I wouldnít try the optimist in me continues to try despite the fact that itís ALWAYS a failure. What can I say, despite this cynical facade inside Iím a hopeless and hopeful romantic. Anyway, Iíve been down this road a million times before, I really donít need to rehash this.
Iíll forever be amazed at how people try to find meaning in meaningless. Every religion is built upon the idea of control and finding meaning in the meaningless. I get it, nobody wants to go through life knowing that their life is utterly devoid of any higher meaning. Thatís not to say that life is meaningless, but surly it has no divine meaning attached to it, just because we say so. I think itís wrong to divert so much meaning to an afterlife that doesnít exist, because it invites the idea that weíll have another chance to do what we didnít do this time around. Iím pretty sure thatís not going to happen, but even if it might, why not experience it now? Why wait around till youíre confined to a cloud? So, big deal, thereís no higher purpose... who cares? The meaning we take out of life is what we put into it. Hoping to please some imaginary bearded man in the ďskyĒ isnít going to do you any good, Iíll tell you that. It certainly hasnít done me any good. Not that I tried very hard.
My friends and co-workers criticize, for lack of a better word, my talk of the meaninglessness of our lives. But the ironic shit is that my photography, my writing, and my questioning of people's absolute sureness in their faith, are all tools I use to search for evidence of the divine. I havenít found it yet, because while others find what they want to see. I am skeptical, logical, and in search of true "evidence" and true "meaning." I fear that I shall never find evidence of the divine, but the search will yield a meaning... for me that is. Because the meaning of life is absolutely unique to the individual.